According to popular legend (the internet), Valentine’s Day is linked to a 3rd century patron saint who performed secret marriages in Rome after marriage was outlawed for young men. It’s so long ago that your phone calendar doesn’t even go back as far as the 3rd century.
This means women have been receiving chocolates and flowers on an annual basis for nearly 2000 years! When you factor in the number of women that have been on the earth since that century, this equates to enough flowers to replant the amazon rainforest 143 times! What Greta Thunberg – and that vegan poet from Observatory I used to date – won’t tell you . . . is that climate change is not destroying the environment, women are! Ok, that Amazon rainforest calculation is a lie, but if you think of the lies that we men have to live through in order to maintain this Cupid facade (including the “No, that jeans doesn’t make you look fat” lie) . . . you’d understand why 2021 is a time for change.
It’s time we turn this prejudicial, conformist, capitalist – and rather selfish – yearly sense of entitlement around. Valentine’s Day is not Women’s Day or Mothers Day, it was always supposed to be more inclusive than Orania. There’s no reason to even have Uncle Cyril gazette a new Valentine’s Day law . . . this day of love is gender non-conforming, finish en klaa. Whether women like it or not, julle tyd is nou op en kwaad raakens speelie saam ie.
Contrary to popular – and highly sexist – belief, ôs manne vriet oek chocolates. But even more importantly, ôs manne is moeg van suffer. Have you privileged women ever thought about the sacrifice we have to go through just so you can post that ‘I’m so loved, look at my gifts’ selfie on 14 February?
Think of all those thorn pricks we have to endure after buying those roses (last minute) and the arthritic pain we have to experience walking up and down looking for the box of chocolates that looks expensive, but isn’t. I won’t even comment on our dangerous encounters with the underworld just to get that counterfeit perfume you think is real. Bottom line: it’s time for reparations.
Ouens, ask yourself, why don’t you deserve flowers and chocolates? Why can’t she run you a bath and give you those little soentjies op jou vookop? It may be bigger, but does her vookop matter more than yours? Unless your name is Valentino, the time has come for February the 14th to become our day again. (Amandla en wat-wat, Viva en soe-antes!)
If your motjie doesn’t buy you flowers and chocolates this year . . . don’t spend your money buying her anything. Unless you’re married in community of property, then shame, best to soema get a Clicks card, so you can at least collect points on your purchases.
I’ll conclude this men’s conference with this: That Saint after whom Valentine’s Day is allegedly based on . . . was a man! John Cadbury who started Cadbury’s Chocolate . . . was a man! Henri Nestlé who started Nestlé Chocolate . . . was a man! The garden of Eden WHERE FLOWERS BEGAN . . . was first inhabited by a man! Maakie saak hoe djyrit sien ie, we are the ones who deserve those chocolates and flowers. Hulle kan maarie lingerie kry, ôsse holhare issie ’n goeie combo met Victoria se secret ie.
Anyways, getyg saam manskap.
PS. Join me next week when I reveal how the disgruntled ex wife of Mr Balls went on to appropriate his now famous chutney recipe.
*These are the opinions of the writer and do not necessarily reflect the views of Vannie Kaap News.