The 5 types of aunties at a coloured family gathering

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We all know those lekker, occasionally awkward, family gatherings.
For me, I love the food and sometimes the company; but let’s be real, there will never be a dull moment when Coloured families get together. It’s literally a 7de Laan episode on its own. To elaborate, here’s my list of people I usually find when my relatives meet up:

  • The Sentimental Auntie

This is the aunt that can never believe how much you’ve grown since the last time she saw you. She recalls stories of when you were “so small” and reminds you of all the things you used to do. She also remembers the exact last time she saw you and she can never believe how much things have changed. Finally, she hits you with that phrase “Joh! Ma die tyd gaan ook gou verby. Ek raak oud.” Like really auntie? You weren’t getting any younger!

  • The Chef

This aunt is the designated cook in the family, and the only way she got there was because everybody knows she makes the best pot of curry. No-one ever says it loud, it is just a given that she will always cook that lekker Cape Malay dish for you. And really, she never fails to impress with that curry of hers, hence her being “the chosen one”….at birthdays, weddings, funerals, alles.

  • The Weight Watcher

This aunt is definitely my favourite type to observe at family gatherings. Without fail, she walks in and immediately mentions she’s on a diet. ‘It’s only been a month and I’ve already lost quite a few kilos’, she will add. However, nobody sees the difference but we collectively choose to join her in believing the fairy tale. Well…the diet story could be true, until we get to the food. I mean if you’re on a diet, why are you going for seconds while you’re still on your first? And not only with the food, but dessert as well! Then without blinking she will just say “Ai ek sal ma weer môre moet begin diet.”

  • Your Taanie

Is it just me or does everyone’s mother always sacrifice them to be the designated human dishwasher? I would just be getting to the best part of my plate when I hear “Nee dis okay, my kind sal’ie skorrelgoed was.” At that time your plak soema sak and you just lam there thinking if you should call social services to report your taanie.

  • The Besige One

Finally, there’s always that one aunt who comes into the kitchen while the dishes are being washed and starts browsing like she’s window shopping. Now what could she possibly be looking for you ask? The answer is simple, Tupperware! Because the only reason she came to this family gathering was to remind the host that she lent her a bowl which she never returned. Thus begins the plastic war in the kitchen where the one is trying to find a Tupperware she clearly doesn’t have and the other is convinced she has it.
Now to top this off, you still have to survive all her questions, such as “So, do you have a boyfriend now?”, “How is school or work?” and “What are your plans for life?” Okay fam! Can we just enjoy the malva pudding and then head home to take a nap, because as coloureds we firmly believe in “maggies vol, oogies toe.”
My Kaaps Glossary
Lekke Nice, Cool
“Joh! Ma die tyd gaan ook gou verby. Ek raak oud.” – Wow! But time is flying. I’m getting old.
Alles – Everything
“Ai ek sal ma weer môre moet begin diet.” – Oh, I’ll just have to continue the diet tomorrow.
“Nee dis okay, my kind sal’ie skorrelgoed was.” – No it’s okay, my child will wash the dishes.
Plak soema sak – Lose enthusiasm
Lam – Chill
Taanie – Mother
The Besige One – The busy body
“maggies vol, oogies toe.” – Tummies full, eyes shut