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Eskom seeks assistance from “The Pink Ladies” to help find missing electricity units

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In an attempt to quell the growing list of customer complaints surrounding disappearing electricity units, Eskom urgently made an appeal to the “Pink Ladies” organisation for help in finding the units.

The electricity utility has been inundated with angry complaints from the public regarding the rise in electricity tariffs. Customers have been demanding that Eskom address the issue as many have been struggling to figure out where all their purchased units disappeared to.

In a recent statement, Eskom informed the public that it is using everything in its power (pun intended) to find the missing units. After a failed attempt with private investigators and local sangomas, Eskom reached out to the experienced “Pink Ladies” organisation which specialises in finding missing persons in South Africa.

“The situation eskomplicted, but we will not rest until all the missing units have been found. We implore the public to have faith in us. If we could dry all that wet coal, then believe you me, we can find the missing units”, remarked the CEO of Eskom.

 

 

*The above article is obviously not true, but satire. If you can’t tell the difference, please contact your school teachers and demand a refund.

Uncle Cyril will be Uncle Cyriling again tonight

President Cyril Ramaphosa will be addressing the nation tonight. (Soe miskien moet djy maa noggie jou klere stryk ie.)

Nearly two weeks ago, the president announced further lockdown measures to help curb the spread of the Delta variant of COVID-19. (Black market alcohol sellers obviously welcomed the move.)

South Africa is currently on adjusted level 4 lockdown (Also known as level 4 ultra-lite) and some industries have been calling for the easing of the lockdown levels.

The liquor industry was once again hit the hardest with another ban included in the current adjusted level. (Pineapple farmers have however been spotted driving Lamborghinis, purchasing homes in Clifton, and tattooing the words “I love Uncle Cyril” on their bodies.)

Acting Minister in the Presidency Khumbudzo Ntshaveni also stated on Friday that President Ramaphosa would address the nation on government interventions to rebuild the economy. (Millions of unemployed young South Africans immediately left the WhatsApp group. However, thousands of Cubans put up the President’s promise as their WhatsApp status.)

As of the writing of this article, a time had not been confirmed yet. (Or whether the President will be using a galaxy tablet to reduce the chances of theft, and whether we’ll be greeted in the name of the government and receive another Madiba quote.)

 

*The above article includes facts and satire. If you can’t tell the difference, please contact your school teachers and demand a refund.

President Ramaphosa will address the nation at 8:30pm tonight

President Cyril Ramaphosa will address the country at 20:30 on Friday with an update on the government’s response to the riots and looting in Gauteng and KwaZulu-Natal.

In a media briefing on Friday, the President stated that those seeking to destabilise South Africa ‘have so far failed’ – and he has a comprehensive message for the people believed to be behind this billion-rand looting spree.

This evening’s address follows the President’s visit earlier today to Ethekwini to assess the aftermath of public violence and looting.

The unrest first started on July 9, after former president Jacob Zuma started serving a 15-month term for contempt of court.

The President will speak on stronger measures to restore order and secure the supply of essential goods.

The first Cape Flats racehorse owner to win the Durban July

Ashwin Reynolds from Grassy Park is the proud owner of Kommetdieding, the new Champion Racehorse of the 2021 Durban July. The name alone implies that this horse definitely came to change the game. 

Ashwin Reynolds has become the first Coloured person to own a Durban July winner and Kommetdieding also seems to be the first horse with an Afrikaaps phrase as a name on the acclaimed roll of honour.

On Saturday 3 July 2021, Kommetdieding won the 2021 Vodacom Durban July over 2,200m at the Greyville Racecourse in Durban. Kommetdieding came from the outside 18 draw to win the historic 125th edition of the race.

For the second year in a row, the Durban July was held behind closed doors as a result of the covid pandemic.

On Saturday 10 July 2021, Ashwin and the Reynolds family welcomed home the 3-year-old colt, Kommetdieding. 

Reynolds’ love for horses was groomed at a very young age. As a young man, he used to keep score of the results for his grandfather who was a punter at the time. 

When asked if Reynolds would ever stop racing, he answered, “It is a little bit costly, but I don’t think so. If I can afford to I will keep on racing.”

Kommetdieding is a Michelle Rix and Harold Crawford trained horse.

Family of four found dead

A family of four was found dead on Thursday morning in Victoria Road, Bloemfontein. The discovery was made after Parkweg Police received information about a house that was burning in the area.

On arrival at the scene, after the fire brigade had extinguished the fire, four bodies, that of the father, mother, and two children were found.

The father (56) and mother (50) had no visible injuries, whilst a 17-year-old girl and 14- year-old boy were found with stab wounds and their throats slit.

Preliminary investigations suggest there was no forced entry, but the investigation continues to determine what actually transpired.

Cases of murder, inquest, and arson have been registered for further investigation. A post mortem will be conducted to determine the causes of death.

Three life terms for man who raped three 15-year-old pupils

On Thursday the Inkanyezi Regional Court sentenced Sibongiseni Fano Gwala (30) to three life terms for the rape of three pupils in 2018.

On 15 September 2018 in Mbongolwane, three girls aged 15 were returning home from school when they were apprehended by the accused. He forced them into a sugarcane plantation where they were threatened with a firearm and a knife. They were held in the sugarcane fields by the accused who raped them. The victims managed to flee and report the incident to their parents. Charges of rape were opened at Mbongolwane SAPS. The docket was transferred to Eshowe Family Violence, Child Protection and Sexual Offences Unit who took over the investigation.

In January 2019, the accused was arrested and tried in court. He made several court appearances until his sentence on Thursday. He was declared unfit to possess a firearm and his name was also placed on the Sexual Offenders Register.

Gwala was also sentenced to 15 years imprisonment for a separate case of business robbery.

[BREAKING] Jacob Zuma sentenced to 15 months imprisonment

The constitutional court has found former president Jacob Zuma guilty of contempt of court and has sentenced Mr. Zuma to 15 months imprisonment. Justice Sisi Khampepe handed down the judgment on Tuesday morning.

The news broke today as the Constitutional Court passed its judgment in the case against Jacob Zuma’s State Capture Inquiry contempt of court case. Zuma had stated earlier this year that he would rather go to prison than appear before the Zondo commission.

Justice Khampepe, presiding over the case, stated that the former President wields much political power and can thus influence others to disregard the courts. It was also noted that Zuma’s attacks on the justice system cannot be seen as tolerable criticism and these statements must be taken into account when sentencing Mr. Zuma.

Khampepe stated that Zuma will serve an unsuspended sentence of 15 months in prison as it would be “futile” to give Jacob Zuma a suspended sentence.

Developing story…

79% believe the country’s economy will not survive a level 4/5 lockdown

A recent poll conducted by Vannie Kaap revealed that 79% of the brand’s Instagram audience who participated in a recent #sêjousê poll, believe South Africa’s economy will not survive more level 4 or 5 lockdowns.

The poll which asked “Do you believe South Africa’s economy will survive another level 4/5 lockdown?” was conducted just before President Ramaphosa addressed the nation on Sunday. The President went on to announce that South Africa will be moving to an adjusted level 4 lockdown as of Monday. It was however stated that the country would remain in level 4 for a period of 14 days.

The respondents to the poll could only answer with “Ja” or “Nee”, however some submitted comments with their choice. Some of the comments accompanying the poll included one participant stating “As die government kan ophou steel dan kan ons miskien survive”, with another saying “The economy is already dead.”

The current level 4 lockdown as it stands differs from the 2020 level 4 lockdown, with many former restrictions being omitted. Alcohol however will still be banned during these 2 weeks.

The poll consisted of 3200 participants from varying backgrounds. The “Sê jou sê” polls conducted by Vannie Kaap utilise Instagram’s built-in polling feature and are not representative of an in-depth, independently verified poll.

Man kills colleague with grinder

A 36-year-old man is expected to appear at the Kwamhlanga Magistrates’ Court today, 29 June 2021, on a charge of murder. The man allegedly killed his colleague using an electric grinder.

Police reports reveal that the incident took place on Sunday at Magodongo Moloto in Kwamhlanga.

It is alleged the two men were hired to do roofing at a property in the area. An argument broke out between the two after the suspect accused the victim of stealing his cellphone. At this point, the suspect allegedly attacked the victim with a grinder and cut him on his upper body in the process.

Police and paramedics arrived on the scene shortly after and the victim was certified dead at the scene. The suspect was arrested and will be appearing in court on Tuesday.

The Acting Provincial Commissioner of the SAPS in Mpumalanga Major General Thulani Phahla strongly condemned the act and applauded the swift arrest of the suspect. “People should learn to solve matters amicably to prevent unnecessary loss of life,” said General Phahla.

Absa’s online banking platform crashes on payday Friday

Absa customers woke up to a payday Friday where the bank’s online and mobile app platforms were down.

It is not yet known what caused the crash, however, Absa quickly updated its customers via social media, the online banking platform, and the app.

Customers attempting to log in were met with a “System offline” notification.

The message read, “Our systems are temporarily offline. Don’t worry, we are busy working on it and will be up and running shortly. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Absa also informed customers that ATMs and card purchases were not affected.