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Government Blames South Africa’s Poor Water Quality on Jan van Riebeeck

Bernie Fabing
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Government Blames South Africa’s Poor Water Quality on Jan van Riebeeck

CAPE TOWN – The Department of Water and Sanitation says that the country’s poor water quality can be linked to a rusty hair dryer found in a key water spring belonging to Jan van Riebeeck.

The hair dryer, which was found in a recent archaeological dig, is believed to have been owned by van Riebeeck, a Dutch governor of the Cape Colony. The spring, which is located in Cape Town, is a major source of water for the entire country.

Government scientists say that the hair dryer was contaminated with high levels of GHD bacteria, which have been slowly leaching into the water supply over the past 300 years. The rust from the hair dryer has also become toxic, further contaminating the water.

A government spokesperson assured the public that the president has recovered from his shock at the news and is already in talks with the International Monetary Fund (IMF) for an emergency loan that would enable the government to hire Cuban engineers to fix the water problem.

The government has also not ruled out the possibility of setting up a minister of hydration.

Electricity Minister Says KORS Sweater Is an Acronym for: Kilowatts Over Rands & Sabotage

Bernie Fabing
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Electricity Minister Says KORS Sweater Is an Acronym for: Kilowatts Over Rands & Sabotage

The South African minister of electricity, Dr Kgosientsho Ramokgopa, has come under fire for wearing an expensive sweater during a recent news interview on eNCA. The sweater, a KORS brand, is valued at R6000, which is a significant amount of money for many South Africans.

In response to the criticism, Ramokgopa has explained that the sweater is actually an acronym for Kilowatts Over Rands and Sabotage. He says that the acronym is meant to show his dedication to providing electricity to South Africa and not being involved in Eskom corruption and sabotage of power stations.

Ramokgopa’s explanation has been met with mixed reactions. Some people who were paid to comment have found it to be inspiring, while others were offended as the minister did not use megawatts which are technically larger than kilowatts. One social media user commented, “It should’ve been megawatts, which would’ve made it a MORS sweater, cause he’s just morsing our time.”

The Ruling Party Announces Plans to Use Pit Toilets as Voting Booths to Demonstrate Their Versatility.

Bernie Fabing
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The Ruling Party Announces Plans to Use Pit Toilets as Voting Booths to Demonstrate Their Versatility.

In a surprising turn of events, the governing party has announced that it will be using pit toilets as voting booths in the upcoming 2024 elections. This decision is meant to showcase the versatility of pit toilets and to demonstrate that those who have complained about the government’s inability to eradicate pit toilets in over 3000 schools have not been able to see the bigger picture.

In a statement released by the department of basic education, they stated, “Pit toilets have been unfairly maligned as being unsanitary and unsafe, but in reality, they are multi-functional. By using them as voting booths, we are not only saving money on building traditional voting booths, but we are also promoting the idea of recycling and repurposing.”

The statement reassures voters that the pit toilets will be thoroughly cleaned and disinfected prior to use as voting booths. The government has also pledged to allocate any remaining funds it can find from the R500-billion Covid-19 stimulus package towards providing hand sanitisers and masks to voters in order to ensure their safety.

The decision has generated mixed reactions from party members. While some have applauded the government’s innovative use of resources, others are concerned that the cost of cleaning the toilets is an unnecessary expense, as voters may not mind any temporary odours while casting their ballots.

The statement concluded by highlighting the government’s commitment in finding creative solutions to the country’s problems.

 

satire mos.

Government Says Working in the Dark Caused Misspelling on New Banknotes

Bernie Fabing
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Government Says Working in the Dark Caused Misspelling on New Banknotes

In a press conference earlier today, the South African Government has responded to criticism surrounding the misspelling of the Xitsonga translation of “Reserve Bank” on the new R100 banknotes.

According to the Reserve Bank spokesperson, the mistake was due to the rolling blackouts that have been plaguing the country for months. They explained that it was difficult to see in the dark and that officials at the Reserve Bank had to spell the word by memory, resulting in the error.

The spokesperson also expressed disappointment in citizens who are unable to appreciate the efforts made by the officials to resist any temptation to steal money during the challenging process.

Despite calls from Xitsonga-speaking communities to revert to the old spelling, the Government has confirmed that the misspelling will remain on the banknotes as a symbol of resilience and perseverance in the face of adversity.

In related news, the Reserve Bank announced that they will be providing officials with headlamps and a year’s free subscription to grammarly, to prevent any future spelling errors on banknotes.

 

Satire mos.

Eskom seeks assistance from “The Pink Ladies” to help find missing electricity units

Bernie Fabing
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0
Eskom seeks assistance from “The Pink Ladies” to help find missing electricity units

In an attempt to quell the growing list of customer complaints surrounding disappearing electricity units, Eskom urgently made an appeal to the “Pink Ladies” organisation for help in finding the units.

The electricity utility has been inundated with angry complaints from the public regarding the rise in electricity tariffs. Customers have been demanding that Eskom address the issue as many have been struggling to figure out where all their purchased units disappeared to.

In a recent statement, Eskom informed the public that it is using everything in its power (pun intended) to find the missing units. After a failed attempt with private investigators and local sangomas, Eskom reached out to the experienced “Pink Ladies” organisation which specialises in finding missing persons in South Africa.

“The situation eskomplicted, but we will not rest until all the missing units have been found. We implore the public to have faith in us. If we could dry all that wet coal, then believe you me, we can find the missing units”, remarked the CEO of Eskom.

 

 

*The above article is obviously not true, but satire. If you can’t tell the difference, please contact your school teachers and demand a refund.

Uncle Cyril will be Uncle Cyriling again tonight

Bernie Fabing
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Uncle Cyril will be Uncle Cyriling again tonight

President Cyril Ramaphosa will be addressing the nation tonight. (Soe miskien moet djy maa noggie jou klere stryk ie.)

Nearly two weeks ago, the president announced further lockdown measures to help curb the spread of the Delta variant of COVID-19. (Black market alcohol sellers obviously welcomed the move.)

South Africa is currently on adjusted level 4 lockdown (Also known as level 4 ultra-lite) and some industries have been calling for the easing of the lockdown levels.

The liquor industry was once again hit the hardest with another ban included in the current adjusted level. (Pineapple farmers have however been spotted driving Lamborghinis, purchasing homes in Clifton, and tattooing the words “I love Uncle Cyril” on their bodies.)

Acting Minister in the Presidency Khumbudzo Ntshaveni also stated on Friday that President Ramaphosa would address the nation on government interventions to rebuild the economy. (Millions of unemployed young South Africans immediately left the WhatsApp group. However, thousands of Cubans put up the President’s promise as their WhatsApp status.)

As of the writing of this article, a time had not been confirmed yet. (Or whether the President will be using a galaxy tablet to reduce the chances of theft, and whether we’ll be greeted in the name of the government and receive another Madiba quote.)

 

*The above article includes facts and satire. If you can’t tell the difference, please contact your school teachers and demand a refund.

President Ramaphosa will address the nation at 8:30pm tonight

Staff writer
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President Ramaphosa will address the nation at 8:30pm tonight

President Cyril Ramaphosa will address the country at 20:30 on Friday with an update on the government’s response to the riots and looting in Gauteng and KwaZulu-Natal.

In a media briefing on Friday, the President stated that those seeking to destabilise South Africa ‘have so far failed’ – and he has a comprehensive message for the people believed to be behind this billion-rand looting spree.

This evening’s address follows the President’s visit earlier today to Ethekwini to assess the aftermath of public violence and looting.

The unrest first started on July 9, after former president Jacob Zuma started serving a 15-month term for contempt of court.

The President will speak on stronger measures to restore order and secure the supply of essential goods.

The first Cape Flats racehorse owner to win the Durban July

Alzenna Thomas
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The first Cape Flats racehorse owner to win the Durban July

Ashwin Reynolds from Grassy Park is the proud owner of Kommetdieding, the new Champion Racehorse of the 2021 Durban July. The name alone implies that this horse definitely came to change the game. 

Ashwin Reynolds has become the first Coloured person to own a Durban July winner and Kommetdieding also seems to be the first horse with an Afrikaaps phrase as a name on the acclaimed roll of honour.

On Saturday 3 July 2021, Kommetdieding won the 2021 Vodacom Durban July over 2,200m at the Greyville Racecourse in Durban. Kommetdieding came from the outside 18 draw to win the historic 125th edition of the race.

For the second year in a row, the Durban July was held behind closed doors as a result of the covid pandemic.

On Saturday 10 July 2021, Ashwin and the Reynolds family welcomed home the 3-year-old colt, Kommetdieding. 

Reynolds’ love for horses was groomed at a very young age. As a young man, he used to keep score of the results for his grandfather who was a punter at the time. 

When asked if Reynolds would ever stop racing, he answered, “It is a little bit costly, but I don’t think so. If I can afford to I will keep on racing.”

Kommetdieding is a Michelle Rix and Harold Crawford trained horse.

Family of four found dead

Staff writer
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Family of four found dead

A family of four was found dead on Thursday morning in Victoria Road, Bloemfontein. The discovery was made after Parkweg Police received information about a house that was burning in the area.

On arrival at the scene, after the fire brigade had extinguished the fire, four bodies, that of the father, mother, and two children were found.

The father (56) and mother (50) had no visible injuries, whilst a 17-year-old girl and 14- year-old boy were found with stab wounds and their throats slit.

Preliminary investigations suggest there was no forced entry, but the investigation continues to determine what actually transpired.

Cases of murder, inquest, and arson have been registered for further investigation. A post mortem will be conducted to determine the causes of death.

Three life terms for man who raped three 15-year-old pupils

Staff writer
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Three life terms for man who raped three 15-year-old pupils

On Thursday the Inkanyezi Regional Court sentenced Sibongiseni Fano Gwala (30) to three life terms for the rape of three pupils in 2018.

On 15 September 2018 in Mbongolwane, three girls aged 15 were returning home from school when they were apprehended by the accused. He forced them into a sugarcane plantation where they were threatened with a firearm and a knife. They were held in the sugarcane fields by the accused who raped them. The victims managed to flee and report the incident to their parents. Charges of rape were opened at Mbongolwane SAPS. The docket was transferred to Eshowe Family Violence, Child Protection and Sexual Offences Unit who took over the investigation.

In January 2019, the accused was arrested and tried in court. He made several court appearances until his sentence on Thursday. He was declared unfit to possess a firearm and his name was also placed on the Sexual Offenders Register.

Gwala was also sentenced to 15 years imprisonment for a separate case of business robbery.

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